Late Night Trysts
January 21, 2009, 2:06 am
Filed under: Blips, dreams, life, me, night

I ‘ve been having nightmares.

Some nights it’s just the running around with nothing making sense kind of dreams where I wake up feeling exhausted. Other nights I feel as though I never quite went into that deep sleep we need. I kind of float with a sort of mumbling going on like someone trying to remember their grocery list for the few blocks that it takes to get there.

But then there are the dreams of my teeth falling out. Of being displaced. Haunted. Once when I was a teenager and my parents thought I would be better off with them miles apart from each other so they wouldn’t murder each other I had a dream that I was outside of a house in the dark. I knew my dad was in there and I looked up and there was a ghostly face in the window. It scared the bejeezus out of me, I woke up all freaked out. But then I realized it was just a dream and I floated off to an uneventful sleep.  Then last month I was running and this ghost with no face was chasing me and every time it caught up to me it would scream this banshee cry and I would run some more and I remember looking inside of the waste container in the vacuum and I screamed with all I had inside of it and shoved it back where it belonged.  Never has anything been so tense. In the end, I got away from it, it kind of blew itself up and I ran home. Then there were sleepless nights and the floating dreams and other things that made no sense and were quickly forgotten until last night. The ghost was back and this time it was pissed because I had moved an object in the attic of an old house.  Only this time I had an attitude with the ghost.  It was everyone else in the dream that worried about what it could do, but I was cool as a cucumber and it didn’t concern me. I wanted to move on. I even woke from the dream feeling more disgusted than frightened.

But still. Night is not an easy time for me. It never was. I would rather run amok in the still of the night than to confront the evils of daylight. But I would much rather do it with all my teeth.


I’m a Dreamer
October 1, 2008, 6:13 pm
Filed under: Blips, dreams, happiness, hope, life, me, night, parenting

I have been dreaming crazy stuff lately. Like last night I had a dream that my mother was to bring home my kids and only brought the youngest half. I was really upset like they were gone forever but she claimed that they were at the hospital and I freaked out before she could finish. Come to find out that they were waiting for their half-brother/sister to be born. Let me interject here and tell you that both my X and his wife are fixed, you know so they can’t spread anymore of their devil spawn. Thank goodness my half of his kids were mixed with my angelic eggs. *L* It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t go there.

Anyway. But a couple of nights ago I was dreaming about this cabin like place and I had a baby instead of my usual tribe and there were candles lit everywhere. Little votive ones. I walked out into a kind of hallway and there was a door to a porch or something and when I got out there I was suddenly on the other side of the door. Don’t you just love how you can teleport in dreams? I looked at the door and there was a wreath on it, down low under the window and guess what was nestled in opening of it. A votive. That is the dumbest place ever to put fire. And over top of a box of tissues to boot, that had caught fire from the melting wax dripping over the edge of the wreath. So I stamped it out gently with my shoe and stood there staring at it in disbelief until I was off to my next fantasy about who knows what.

I was so intrigued by this dream that I looked a few things up on the web and while I can’t remember what else went on in my wonderland as of now the putting out of the fire part is what keeps poking into my daily thoughts. Putting out a fire signifies that you will overcome life’s obstacles through much work and effort. It’s almost like a prediction. It gave me the hope I didn’t know I needed to keep going. Life has been rough the last couple of years. It has been turned upside down and my future has danced on the edge of a tall cliff for too long. Can a dream really tell me that just maybe this obstacle will be overcome soon? Maybe I will get my safety net back so I can recover from it all? I can only hope and keep going.

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I Keep Looking Up
September 24, 2008, 2:03 am
Filed under: hope, life, me, nature, night, outdoors, sky, stars

Do you ever look at the sky at night and pick out a favorite constellation, planet or star?

Tonight as I stood out front I picked out Orion’s belt. Forever I have looked for his belt, since I first learned what those three beautiful stars were. The way they line up so perfectly all in a row in the scattered midnight sky. I noticed tonight how they hung so low most likely predicting the coming cold. They are always there for me, to pick out and  gaze upon. How I wish I could load up in a rocket and land on their shining mass. Like a vacation almost. I imagine landing, being the only soul there, having it all for me.

I don’t even care for the others. The seven sisters do not behold me the way his belt does. The dippers can not contain me in their emptiness. I have no longing to see Venus or ride the rings of Saturn. It’s just Orion. His belt beckoning me to be the buckle. When I talk of the stars with my son’s and we discuss the way that stars fade and burn out I always fear for that belt, wondering if some day it won’t be there for me in the quiet night waiting for me to drink in it’s gorgeousness. I think of how long it has been a part of the sky and how many millions of humans have looked at it and not even understood the endless history of those three perfectly aligned stars.

To have just that one stable part of life is all one needs to keep moving on. To know that there can be a constant in a world of change. That you can keep the beauty of something and yet still expand. Constantly yearning to create a perfectness to go with it.  Always changing. Life is always changing.  Sometimes I need rocks. Without them I am lost.