It Spills Out
August 31, 2008, 5:05 am
Filed under: Blips, life, marriage, me, parenting

I’ve been on a quest for a few months now, maybe a couple of years. I am lost. I have explored different approaches to my life and I feel the same way all the time. I am constantly going through the motions and lost. I am an easy person to please, I don’t have a desire for many material objects, it’s all in my heart. It’s all right there inside and it’s like I lost the mother fuckin’ key. Where did I stash the key? Why did I hide it in the first place?

I went through a phase about a year ago where I thought maybe the abyss would fill if I attempted to understand God and church. I thought maybe if I committed to praying on a regular basis and trying to make sense of the Bible that the rest of the holes would naturally fill in. I remember times when I was feeling so empty and lost I would repeatedly chant in my head, “Lord show me the way, I am lost.” And at times I would feel better. I tried two churches, I gave it all I had. I didn’t fit. I talked with people and tried to make friends but I always felt like an outsider. It was like I was damned before I even hit the front door. Maybe it wasn’t the right religion?

I have a lot of regrets. I try to say that I don’t but I do. I wish sometimes that I could just rewind, or die and start over.  Sort of like each time we die and come back we strive to get it right this time. Yes I believe in reincarnation and yes there are ghosts. All though I have not decided on the ghost thing yet I do suspect that they are a possible delusion of evil. I could have done more with thirty one years. A whole lot more.

I trace my past often and think that I wouldn’t have done A if B would have done this or that. And I analyze over and over where it all went wrong. I analyze things till I have a migraine. I have a good heart and I am smart and yet I have never been able to pull it all together. I wonder around like I am waiting for something to happen to me. For the big bang that will make me feel complete. The thing is, maybe we never feel complete. Maybe when that point in life happens there is nothing left. Maybe life is all about the search to fill the latest void. Maybe my void is just a little deeper than others.

The more I try to reach out, the more I withdrawal inside myself. The more I end up just repeating the same things over and over. I edge closer to giving up. I lack a passion and each time I think I find it I find it isn’t it. It’s scary, I feel like I am in a crunch for time because this will ultimately effect my children and if I can’t figure it all out I can’t help them figure it out. I know this because I see my mother struggle now and in the past with same issues, with the difference being that she is in a box. She thinks it’s everyone around her, she thinks that someone needs to come along and fix it for her. And I try. I try to fix it for the both of us at the same time. It affects both of our marriages, our friendships and everyone around us. I realized this summer a terrible thing, I am a person that is tolerated. I am avoided. I am not taken at face value.  I look back through the past and I see it happen time and time again, how could I have missed it? There really isn’t much to me, I accept everyone but myself for who they are. I mean what I say, I keep my mouth shut often. I’m not hateful or revengeful, so what is it then?

When I was twenty three I had an intimate relationship with a man who was nearly twenty years older than me. That was the last time I can remember being accepted 100%. He liked everything about me inside and out and when he saw me stray he gently guided me back. He didn’t tolerate me he welcomed me.  We would sit at party’s and entertain each other endlessly while our spouses would mix and mingle. I could look into his eyes and not feel shame for being me. It’s an overwhelming feeling to realize this. He truly cared about me and not about what I could do for him. I miss that feeling. Very few times in the last few years has anyone cared enough to go out of their way just for me, for no reason. I get birthday cards, I get Christmas presents, I’m invited to Thanksgiving dinner. But I don’t get flowers, I don’t get thank you cards, people don’t often go out of their way to make me feel special.

All this has been snowballing me over time and being a deep thinker I tend to drown in my pain.  I have a hypothesis that maybe I am a little to smart for my britches. (The older man was intelligent too.)  I’ve never had an actual test to prove an IQ score and I’m not even sure this is the same thing. I have noticed often that famous people in history have had alot of the same issues, that they are often difficult to keep satisfied. They always want more, sometimes not knowing how to approach it. I totally believe that Van Gogh whacked his ear off because he was driving himself crazy. He needed more.

We all need more of something. Some of us just don’t know what that is. I look at strangers and I wonder to myself if they are lost. I wonder how many other people walk around with a smile on their face and a hole where their heart belongs. I’ve spilled out nearly 1000 words tonight and a bucket of tears and I still feel lost. I have nearly everything I could want, great kids, a decent (not perfect) husband, a family. I go to bed at night with a roof over my head and I wake up to a pot of coffee, yet it isn’t enough. I’m grateful for it all, so why can’t it just be enough?

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

thank you for sharing all of that
here’s a few thoughts which may help – probably not but they are worth knowing.

The logic of the Divine in no way resembles the logic of Man, so don’t expect clear answers.

When you are in Hell, keep going, and eventually you come out of it. However, sometimes ‘being there’ in it is what we have to do. IT is called the Dark Journey of the Night.

Try not to dwell on the regrets and the thoughts such as ‘if I only had turned right instead of left my whole life would have been better”. these types drive one mad.

Comment by urspo

It’s called waiting the weeds. Your time will come and you will realized that you have been learning to be whatyou will eventually become.

Adam

Comment by theroadnow




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