It Spills Out
August 31, 2008, 5:05 am
Filed under: Blips, life, marriage, me, parenting

I’ve been on a quest for a few months now, maybe a couple of years. I am lost. I have explored different approaches to my life and I feel the same way all the time. I am constantly going through the motions and lost. I am an easy person to please, I don’t have a desire for many material objects, it’s all in my heart. It’s all right there inside and it’s like I lost the mother fuckin’ key. Where did I stash the key? Why did I hide it in the first place?

I went through a phase about a year ago where I thought maybe the abyss would fill if I attempted to understand God and church. I thought maybe if I committed to praying on a regular basis and trying to make sense of the Bible that the rest of the holes would naturally fill in. I remember times when I was feeling so empty and lost I would repeatedly chant in my head, “Lord show me the way, I am lost.” And at times I would feel better. I tried two churches, I gave it all I had. I didn’t fit. I talked with people and tried to make friends but I always felt like an outsider. It was like I was damned before I even hit the front door. Maybe it wasn’t the right religion?

I have a lot of regrets. I try to say that I don’t but I do. I wish sometimes that I could just rewind, or die and start over.  Sort of like each time we die and come back we strive to get it right this time. Yes I believe in reincarnation and yes there are ghosts. All though I have not decided on the ghost thing yet I do suspect that they are a possible delusion of evil. I could have done more with thirty one years. A whole lot more.

I trace my past often and think that I wouldn’t have done A if B would have done this or that. And I analyze over and over where it all went wrong. I analyze things till I have a migraine. I have a good heart and I am smart and yet I have never been able to pull it all together. I wonder around like I am waiting for something to happen to me. For the big bang that will make me feel complete. The thing is, maybe we never feel complete. Maybe when that point in life happens there is nothing left. Maybe life is all about the search to fill the latest void. Maybe my void is just a little deeper than others.

The more I try to reach out, the more I withdrawal inside myself. The more I end up just repeating the same things over and over. I edge closer to giving up. I lack a passion and each time I think I find it I find it isn’t it. It’s scary, I feel like I am in a crunch for time because this will ultimately effect my children and if I can’t figure it all out I can’t help them figure it out. I know this because I see my mother struggle now and in the past with same issues, with the difference being that she is in a box. She thinks it’s everyone around her, she thinks that someone needs to come along and fix it for her. And I try. I try to fix it for the both of us at the same time. It affects both of our marriages, our friendships and everyone around us. I realized this summer a terrible thing, I am a person that is tolerated. I am avoided. I am not taken at face value.  I look back through the past and I see it happen time and time again, how could I have missed it? There really isn’t much to me, I accept everyone but myself for who they are. I mean what I say, I keep my mouth shut often. I’m not hateful or revengeful, so what is it then?

When I was twenty three I had an intimate relationship with a man who was nearly twenty years older than me. That was the last time I can remember being accepted 100%. He liked everything about me inside and out and when he saw me stray he gently guided me back. He didn’t tolerate me he welcomed me.  We would sit at party’s and entertain each other endlessly while our spouses would mix and mingle. I could look into his eyes and not feel shame for being me. It’s an overwhelming feeling to realize this. He truly cared about me and not about what I could do for him. I miss that feeling. Very few times in the last few years has anyone cared enough to go out of their way just for me, for no reason. I get birthday cards, I get Christmas presents, I’m invited to Thanksgiving dinner. But I don’t get flowers, I don’t get thank you cards, people don’t often go out of their way to make me feel special.

All this has been snowballing me over time and being a deep thinker I tend to drown in my pain.  I have a hypothesis that maybe I am a little to smart for my britches. (The older man was intelligent too.)  I’ve never had an actual test to prove an IQ score and I’m not even sure this is the same thing. I have noticed often that famous people in history have had alot of the same issues, that they are often difficult to keep satisfied. They always want more, sometimes not knowing how to approach it. I totally believe that Van Gogh whacked his ear off because he was driving himself crazy. He needed more.

We all need more of something. Some of us just don’t know what that is. I look at strangers and I wonder to myself if they are lost. I wonder how many other people walk around with a smile on their face and a hole where their heart belongs. I’ve spilled out nearly 1000 words tonight and a bucket of tears and I still feel lost. I have nearly everything I could want, great kids, a decent (not perfect) husband, a family. I go to bed at night with a roof over my head and I wake up to a pot of coffee, yet it isn’t enough. I’m grateful for it all, so why can’t it just be enough?


Living in the Dark
August 29, 2008, 1:10 pm
Filed under: life, marriage

When it rains I feel creative. It is currently rainy and wonderful here and I am itching to get cracking on a project. I love the rain, I love to sleep when it’s rainy, I love to relax in front of the tube, curl up on the couch with a book. The rain is a compliment to my favorite things. In fact, I kind of don’t like the sun all that much. I could never figure out why I am the way I am. I prefer to roam at night, like a vampire on the prowl. I would rather shop in the early hours before dawn and troll the quiet streets. It so much more peaceful then, there is nothing that can compare to a warm summer evening with the windows down cruising through the town that had been bustling just hours before.

At home I keep the curtains drawn like an old woman. At night I do dishes with just the simple light above the sink to illuminate my task. I hate bright lights. When I first moved in here with my husband we would have family over and, mainly my mother, they would always comment on how dark the living room was. I would laugh because I hadn’t noticed. That is how I am comfortable! So I would yank open a blind or maybe just the curtain and let in the sunlight for the benefit of my guest. But the dirty secret is that if I were to live completely and utterly alone I wouldn’t open nary a blind. Don’t get me wrong though, windows are not the same issue. I love to lie in bed at night and listen to the endless traffic on the nearby highway. It reminds me of my youth when I would lie in a bed  12 miles from here and listen to the same lullaby. And the crickets would try to drown it out with endless tune. Along with that was the breeze that filtered through the screen and gave a moment of relief from the summer heat.

At night the stresses of the world sleep. It is a time to feel at ease and safe from others. While it isn’t completely so it feels less threatening. More manageable that way.

All Over the Place
August 27, 2008, 1:39 pm
Filed under: crafting, etsy, happiness, life, photography, sewing

My life is surprisingly together the last two days. It feels odd.

My house is cleaner than it’s been in months.
My couch cushions have once again been reunited with the couch.
Every single bed has been washed from blanket to sheet.
My dishes are done.
The kids are clean and where they belong.
I even have money in the bank.


I feel like a whole new person. I hope it lasts a really long time.

On another note, if you haven’t noticed I added my Etsy shop to the top of the sidebar. I would have liked to put the mini up that shows pictures but alas it doesn’t work here in WordPress world. Go figure. You can’t have it all right? I am super super excited for the mailman to come with my latest obsession, I ordered two books from Jenny Hart with embroidery patterns. Yes, embroidery like Grandma used to do. BUT the catch is the patterns are modernized and up to date. Unicorns, fairies and toadstools OH MY! I can barely contain myself. I will admit though that I like the old patterns too. My favorites are the day of the week towels and pillowcases trimmed with flowers or butterflies.  A nice little project to keep my fingers busy while I wait for the bus, watch T.V. on chilly fall evenings and when we visit the in-laws. Lord knows I hate being idle!

Also I mentioned before that I attached my two blogs over there in the sidebar as well. If you haven’t had the chance to check that out please do! I have gotten some awesome shots this summer! I called it a Blog in Pictures, mostly because I don’t intend to do any chatting. Maybe some day I’ll turn it into some sort of theme site where others can contribute maybe on certain days with certain themes. I have been following Skywatch Mondays which I discovered through Doug so who knows what might be next!

Sit Up! History Time!
August 21, 2008, 4:53 am
Filed under: Blips, books, history, library | Tags: , , , ,

Einstein. You know him, the man with the crazy hair. The guy who brought us his theory of relativity. But do you really know him? I didn’t until I read Dear Professor Einstein by Evelyn Einstein, and I now fall among the many who wish they could have had just half an hour with this man. One misconception about him that I had was that he was brilliant at math. Turns out he had to ask for help from other scientists. In fact it turns out that although he was considered a genius he was just a regular guy.

My fascination with him began when I was little and I found him intriguing but I never really went out of my way to discover just what was so exciting about him. When I found something with his picture on I would smile as if he were some long gone ancestor that we still tell stories about. I once bought a coffee mug with his picture and the famous mathematical scribblings on it, it was black and it fell one day and the handle broke and I couldn’t bear to throw it away.

And then I grew up, and had babies and husbands and groceries and bills and I forgot all about him. That is till just the other day when I was struggling to take my library books to the counter and I happened to catch the title as I was stumbling by. I stopped and balanced my teetering tower of knowledge to pull it from the shelf and add it to the top. It was like the icing on the cake.  Three of my children went along that day and I left with 32 books. I love the library, I sometimes fantasize that I am homeless and this is the only place I can get out of the rain, and the sun, and whatever other excuse I can dream up to be there. But that is a topic for another day.

Now that I have finished the book I can tell you why I was so attracted to this German Genius at such a young age.  As an adult I can tell just by looking at his pictures that he was the kind of person you want to hang with on the front porch and have an iced tea. He looks laid back and carefree. Maybe a sense of humor and definitely a sense of wonder. Someone that will consider even the craziest of ideas and give you his down right honest opinion. And the number one reason I liked him so much but didn’t know it was that he loved children. Not in a pedophile kind of way but in that way that not many adults see children. He knew that they were little sponges and they need to be nurtured and encouraged and gently led the way. When he was a young man himself he was subjected to many cracks across the knuckles just because he didn’t think quickly enough. He liked to do something I do, take forever to make up his mind. He goes at it from all sides and angles and from other points of view. So what I am saying is that I believe children, including me, could sense his love and kindness just by looking at him. And that is most intriguing to me because it proves my theory that children can be very good judges when it comes to character.

Another interesting tidbit was that his sister Maja looked just like him. There is a picture of her with him at the New York World’s Fair in 1939 and they have the same crazy hair, face and posture. They could have been twins!

I may not have gotten to meet him. He may not be my relative, but I have learned from him in a way that I would not have expected. I wouldn’t have guessed that a book about a scientist who was crazy for math, my most hated subject, would teach me a little bit about life and the search for the soul.  And I still think he would have been a pleasure to meet!

August 16, 2008, 3:41 pm
Filed under: cooking | Tags: , ,

One thing I am not great at is cooking. I have made homemade bread several times in my adulthood and each and every time it would end up hard as a rock in a day. I have studied technique, shuffled thorough endless recipes and tried the best flour money could buy. All to no avail. I once had notions of attending a cooking school and pursuing a career in the field. But now it just seems worthless to even try, it’s another of life’s joys that I just don’t have the knack for.

Until two days ago.

I discovered a cookbook at the library full of Amish recipes (The Amish Cook by Elizabeth Coblentz and Kevin Williams) and the picture of bread in it is enough to make you drool. It looked so yummy I had to make it right away, and I did. And it WORKED! Since it worked so well I am going to try it with a whole wheat flour next because in case you haven’t noticed whole grain breads cost an arm and a leg these days. And I can barely afford them! I can easily drop a twenty on just bread alone in one week. For my family to have toasted cheese for lunch we go through almost an entire loaf of bread. French toast, BLT’s, you name it if it involves bread it goes fast around here. I have been looking for a way to cut costs in this department and the milk aisle. I don’t have anywhere to keep a cow so that is not going to be an easy venture.

Anyway, here is the recipe for the bread, bon appetit!

1 package active dry yeast
1/2 cup plus 2 cups warm water or milk
1 heaping tablespoon of shortening or lard
2 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon salt
7 to 8 cups all purpose flour

In a small bowl, dissolve  yeast in the 1/2 cup warm water. In a large mixing bowl, combine lard, sugar,salt, and the remaining 2 cups of water. Into the mixing bowl, stir the yeast and enough flour to make a soft elastic dough that doesn’t stick to the sides of the bowl. Cover the dough with a loose piece of cheesecloth or plastic wrap and let rise till double about one and a half hours in a warm draft free place.
Punch dough down and divide into two balls. Shape into loaves and place in a greased bread pan. Cover with a damp cloth and let rise about another forty five to sixty minutes. Bake at 325 for 45 minutes. The bread will sound hollow when it’s done. After removing the bread from the oven brush the top with butter, this makes a softer crust.

Trying To Look Up
August 15, 2008, 5:15 am
Filed under: 1

A short post to tell you that I have added a link to the side bar for the blog I started for just pictures and that I am still breathing.

This week didn’t go real well. Our future is looking bleak. I spent the week pondering and looking for answers. I know they are there I just can’t see them. I was offered a temporary holiday proposition doing something I love that would make some darn good Christmas cash so it hasn’t been all bad.

The kids continue to keep me in the now by making me giggle between fights and wrestling matches. I have just eleven days till I send four of them to school. It makes me so sad. I hate the noise and the chaotic circus but at the same time I love it. They are so full of life.

I hope I can keep them that way.

As If
August 8, 2008, 11:36 pm
Filed under: cooking, humor, marriage, parenting | Tags: , , , , ,

Remember yesterday? It was cut shorter than a quickie in a truck stop bathroom. As I was doing the dishes I was saying to myself literally out load that I could have anything I want for supper, the phone rang. I answered with reluctance and found that my youngest had been stung by a wasp. He is the one with the allergies and we had no idea if that included bees, wasps or aliens. So I had to jump in the car as a precaution so that I would be close should he have any kind of reaction. I was calm about it and agreed that I would come right away but inside my brain was stuttering, “Bbbbuut I haven’t eaten all day. I was, I was, I was going to eat something wonderful!!” *sigh* Maybe next time.

I did however end up swinging through a Burger King on the way home and I ordered a chicken sandwich with no mayo and the little ones got milkshakes. The man rang my card through, gave me my food and shakes and yet I still sat there. I was lost in thought and not totally in the moment. Then this little young thing swings the window open and says brightly, “Are you waiting for something?!” And I glance over at the passenger seat and saw my chicken warmly nestled inside it’s greasy paper bag and I looked at her and said, “No. Not anymore.” All the while noticing the big black guy that had rung me up snickering and shall I say cowering behind her. I don’t know what happened really. I was utterly shocked at the ginormous size of the milkshake they handed me for the kids and the straws were big enough to suck a hot dog through. I guess you could say it threw me for a loop.

Then today I woke up with a little pep in me. I felt constructive and energetic and made a full sized meal for lunch while cleaning out a cabinet long past it’s due and keeping up with dishes. It all came to a screeching halt when the husband appeared from his slumber, clearly in pain. He had re-injured his back. I pretended it wasn’t real at first, it can’t be happening. But after a trip to the drug store for milk and a nudge to make myself accept reality I accepted the words and tried to help. But there is nothing I can do. I can’t fix it. I can’t even tell him why it won’t heal. He is between a rock and a hard place and I just happened to be feeling some of the squish. The man has been back to work for a total of two days. And the real kicker is that they had him do what hurt his back in the first place way back in December. Why after months of not doing heavy duty work would they start him off right where he left off? It is insane that he wasn’t eased back into it. I’m just flabberagasted. And I should mention that it didn’t hurt until he came home. He must have thought he was super man or something. I just keep trying not to think about it and then I get myself started and I end up feeling defeated and wanting to just sit down and cry as if it would do any good. In two years he has worked a grand total of eleven months. After recovering from the two arm operations and finally returning to work this happens.  I’m going to stop talking about it now before I end up sobbing in the corner.

I made zucchini bread last night. the recipe called for olive oil which made me happy. I know there are healthier versions with applesauce but I found this one after searching a few of my cookbooks and that is the one I chose. It was really good but as with anything I cook there is usually some sort of destruction. When I went to remove them from the pans they came out without their bottoms on. Oooh! Scandalous! It didn’t even phase me, I’m getting used to being a horrible cook. It’s just not my thing. But the bread is divine and I shall share the recipe with you soon. And if you make it tell me all about it cause then I will know that you managed to read this entire very long post.